Trotsky on Crickets

The ongoing crickets World Cup in the Caribbean has quickly turned into the farcical capitalist ceremony that I’d predicted it would. The early elimination of the only two countries where the proletariat have a realistic opportunity to partake in this and other related recreational activities further substantiates my humble belief that the International Crickets Council is overseeing a plot by the bourgeoisie to systematically sideline the working class folk who might be keen on taking up the activity.

Which is exactly why, comrades, I urge you to boycott this intrinsically elitist recreational activity. Stay away from it long enough and you will realise the perils it poses to any egalitarian society. I can think of numerous suitable activities to recommend, which will prove far more satisfying and far more educational.

Take ant-farming, for instance. Now that’s an activity I enjoyed during my days in the youth wing. It’s certainly the sort of hobby which would impress the importance of service to society, on any impressionable mind. And it’s simple, anyone can do it as I’m about to explain.

I’m often disappointed to hear of people purchasing ant farm kits and the like. Such products firstly epitomise the hypnotic nature of capitalist branding, and secondly tend to suck the fun out of the activity, rather in the same manner that rotten Jo Stalin sucked the soul out of my revolution.

You’d need to start by building an ant hill. The hill must only be seen as a means to an end, as it is the hill which provides shelter to the ant colony which is a subterranean social structure with as many complexities as any human settlement. Pick a relatively sunny spot for your ant hill, or not too many ants will be too happy to join your kibbutz. Ideally your ant hill will be constructed with loose soil, to allow the flow of air to the colony which will be created below the ant hill.

The next step is perhaps the most difficult and involves the collection of ants. There are a number of ways in which you might do this. An obvious method would be to look in other ant hills. However, this is tantamount to forcing them to move and I do not encourage this. A more appropriate method would be to leave a morsel of sugar or so in a bottle and leave it exposed. Ants will be drawn to the bottle very easily.

Once you estimate the number of ants to be in the region of 300 to 400, the community can be created. Carefully move the ants to the area just next to the ant hill. These ants are primarily the worker ants who provide for their society.

In order to maintain the colony, you will need to find your queen ant, whose role in society is to lay eggs, as well as a few male ants. These ants can be identified fairly easily as ants who are ready to mate are winged, as the wings are used at the time of their nuptial flight. So if you can find 5 or 6 such ants, there will no doubt be a few males and a few queen ants among them. Once the worker ants have moved in and unpacked, the ant hill will have a discernable entrance (this should take about 2 to 3 days). If you release the male and queen ants near the entrance, you’ll find they’ll be most agreeable to adopting the new colony as their own. These ants are essential as they provide the impetus for population growth, which as you well know is integral to the development of any socialist society.

Within two weeks, you should find the ant hill bustling with activity. But don’t fear; it doesn’t end here! Observing the ant settlement and the behaviour of its dwellers is in itself a thoroughly enjoyable learning experience, which I assure you will be the source of weeks of fun.

Enjoy!

Pervez on East Pakistan

If there’s any country which could call itself the Portugal of South Asia, it’s clearly Bangladesh. It has always had and will continue to have pointless quiddities and a sense of redundancy about it.

The only thing that separates those traitorous sandal lizards from those cunting useless, olive-picking, peri-peri eating spics of Southern Europe is the fact that they don’t have food or good wine.

What they do have, however, is an unkempt overabundance of beard hair, chemical emissions, fertile women, undereducation, AIDS, toilet cleaners, cash-chucking Armani wearing scallies for politicians, malaria, illicit trade of Mach-3 razor blades, tornados, infant mortality, Bengalis, unemployment, rundown automobiles, outmoded practices such as men wearing lungis and holding each other’s hands while walking down the street, stolen cows and cell phones, dirty prostitutes, illiteracy, arsenic contaminated water, lecherous construction workers, inflation, uncultured attempts at oleos, leptospirosis infected peasants, substandard cannabis, circumcisions and toxic waste.

That’s right, Bangladesh is the verruca on your lower back, so to speak; the fly that hangs around a baboon’s bum. Fuck off back to your shipbreaking yards!