Rigobert Song is a troubled man

Being an integral part of Galatasaray’s defence and having to constantly bear the weight of my people’s expectations, I, Rigobert Song am a busy man. So it is only the most grave of grave matters that I concern myself with and today, it is one of those matters which troubles me.

If there is one thing I remember from the days when I was plying my trade at that somewhat mediocre football club on Merseyside, it is that the locals, apart from being slab-chucking murderers (and thieves), speak a very absurd dialect of English. This point leads me to the most pressing concern that has occupied my mind for many minutes of today.

I was sent, by my good nephew, a box of McVities Jaffa cakes and while it invoked a sense of nostalgia, as I remembered Wes Brown, one of my more formidable opponents during my time in England, it has also pushed me into an awkward quandary about whether a Jaffa cake is, in fact a cake or a biscuit.

Why, I ask myself, Rigobert Song, are Jaffa cakes always found in the biscuit section of supermarkets, if in fact they are called cakes? Rigobert Song, my good self, cannot answer this!

So I checked my precious dictionary to see if it would give me a clue. A cake, I find, is a flattened, usually round mass of food that is baked or fried, while a biscuit is a small, fat sweet cake. I usually refer to the latter as a tart, but maybe that’s just me, Rigobert Song.

Getting back to the poignant dilemma that I am faced with, nearly everything appears to support the theory that Jaffa cakes are in fact biscuits. They are biscuit sized, look like biscuits and are eaten when one might just as well be eating a packet of McVities digestive biscuits.

But, wait, Rigobert Song is not so easily convinced. It seems the makers of these things have previously argued that cakes have the tendency to harden as they turn stale, much like African footballers, while biscuits tend to soften under the same circumstances, like the prissy French.

These disturbing thoughts have swept across my mind for many hours today. In fact, I am so sure that if no one provides me with the solution, I will soon be out of form and will be forced to disappoint my many fans. So I beg you, fans of Rigobert Song, find me the answer!